She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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