I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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