So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
