My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
