nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
