Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
