its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize