Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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