Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
