hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
