Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
