your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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