6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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