So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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