i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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