We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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