Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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