Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
