Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So squirting runs in the family.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
