I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
