Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
