You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
