I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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