Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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