This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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