Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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