I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
