I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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