I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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