cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
