remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
