if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize