It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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