Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
