as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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