K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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