if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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