Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
