Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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