8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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