I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm always down for nudity.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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