I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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