I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
