My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
