So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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