When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
