did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
