I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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