a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
