Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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