No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
