I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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