You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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