I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
