You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize