So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
