Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
