I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
