just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
