After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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