just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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