Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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