Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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