nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
