Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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