So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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